The Inside Scoop on Couples Therapy: Introducing the Four Horsemen

By Kaylee Andrusier, LMSW

Let’s spill the tea on what really happens in couples therapy, featuring four very important uninvited guests: The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. John Gottman theorizes that there are four behaviors that predict relationship breakdowns if left unchecked. Let’s meet them, and get the inside scoop on how to fix them too.

1. Criticism – The Blamer Extraordinaire

Criticism doesn’t just say, “I didn’t like what you did.” It says, “There’s something wrong with you.” It’s the difference between “You forgot to take out the trash” and “You’re so lazy and irresponsible.”

How it shows up in therapy:

“He never listens.”

“She’s always nagging.”

(Translation: “Help us talk without declaring emotional war.”)

Fix-it fun: Enter the “gentle startup.” Start with “I” statements. Try, “I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy. Can we figure out a better system?” Boom—respect, accountability, and a solid step away from petty-town.

2. Contempt – The Eye-Rolling Champion

Contempt is the meanest of the bunch. Think sarcasm, sneering, name-calling, or mocking. It’s the “I’m better than you” vibe that poisons the well.

How it shows up in therapy:

“Oh, he thinks he works hard? Please.”

“She couldn’t plan a dinner without a spreadsheet and a meltdown.”

Fix-it fun: Boost your culture of appreciation. Instead of scanning for flaws, scan for strengths. Say thank you, compliment the little things, and maybe—just maybe—bring back flirty emojis.

3. Defensiveness – The Comeback King

Defensiveness is the “I’m not the problem, you are” reflex. It feels protective, but it actually tosses gasoline on the fire.

How it shows up in therapy:

“I only said that because you made me mad!”

“Why are you always attacking me?”

Fix-it fun: Take a breath and try radical responsibility. Even if it’s just 2% your fault, own that 2%. It’s sexy. It says, “I’m here for growth.”

4. Stonewalling – The Silent Shutdown

Stonewalling is when one partner mentally checks out, giving the classic blank stare, quiet treatment, or a sudden fascination with ceiling tiles.

How it shows up in therapy:

Partner 1: “Hello? Are you even listening?” Partner 2: “I just can’t do this right now...”

Fix-it fun: Practice taking timed breaks. It’s okay to say, “I need 20 minutes to cool off before we keep talking.” Just make sure you actually come back.

So... What Is Couples Therapy Really Like?

It’s not about deciding who’s right. It’s about finding better ways to be wrong together, and then making things right again. A good therapist is like a GPS for your relationship. You might take a few wrong turns, but the goal is always connection, not perfection.

You’ll laugh. You’ll roll your eyes (hopefully not with contempt). You might cry. But most of all, you’ll learn. About yourself, your partner, and how to co-star in the same love story without one of you secretly plotting a spin-off series.

Final Scoop

The Four Horsemen may try to crash the party, but with a little insight and a willingness to grow, you can show them the door. Couples therapy isn’t just about fixing what’s broken—it’s about building what’s beautiful, strong, and real.

So whether you’re in therapy or just four Google searches deep into relationship advice, remember: love is a skill, not a mystery. And like any good scoop of ice cream, it’s better when shared, with kindness, honesty, and the occasional sprinkles of humor.