Learn Your Attachment Style This Season of Love

By Kaitlyn White, BS

February-- the 28 days nestled in our calendars that live in the depths of winter, but give us glimpses to spring’s imminent return. This period of being in the cold, but sensing the warmth that lies ahead, is a fitting metaphor for the emotional shifts that many of us experience in our healing- especially when it comes to relationships and love. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, this month is often associated with connection, romance, and partnership. What many of us don't realize, however, is that our perception of these concepts is deeply influenced by something called our ‘attachment style.’ And if you’re thinking, “What’s an attachment style?" you’re in the right place. This month, we’re diving into this season’s emotional theme, and providing insights into the 4 main attachment styles along with how they shape our relationships and our lives. Learning about attachment will not only change how you relate to the people around you, but it will give you a mindful stance to manage the emotions related to love with awareness and self-compassion. Let’s take a closer look at the qualities of a secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles, and how they present themselves this time of year, and beyond.

Secure Attachment: Those with a secure attachment generally feel confident in their relationships, in addition to feeling comfortable with the balance of intimacy and independence. This time of year may bring up feelings of excitement and even fulfillment, regardless of one’s relationship status. Secure individuals tend to trust that their partners value and love them, in addition to feeling safe to express needs. If you’re single, you might appreciate the day with an awareness that you'll one day find your person, but without a crushing pressure. You know that you can create your own happiness by yourself or with friends and family, right here, right now.  

Anxious Attachment: Craving closeness and intimacy while sometimes becoming preoccupied with fears of being abandoned, rejected, or unloved, are classic markers of an anxious attachment. If you find yourself resonating with these qualities, Valentine’s Day might trigger anticipation, fear, or worry. You may feel your desire to be loved become amplified. This could lead to hyperawareness of potential conflict, perceived distance, and unmet expectations. Those with an anxious attachment may often find themselves overanalyzing their partner’s behavior, mentally preparing for any sudden shift in behavior that would be internalized as a threat. If you are single 

during this holiday, emotions of loneliness or fear of never finding your person may intensify. For instance, an anxious attachment moment may appear like this: You text your partner how excited you are for your date tonight. 13 minutes go by and instead of assuming they’re busy, you jump directly to, “They’re not excited at all and probably wish they were doing something else with someone else and they don’t like me.” That’s anxious attachment, feeling like you’re in a relationship with your own overactive imagination, or feeling like singlehood is a one way ticket to sadness, isolation, and despair.

Avoidant Attachment: Often seen prioritizing self sufficiency and independence, avoidants can feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness. People with an avoidant attachment often struggle to communicate their emotions, leading to their partners feeling disconnected. The emphasis on vulnerability, closeness, and PDA during this time of year may cause an avoidant to feel strong discomfort or desire for distance.  In other words, if you’re an avoidant, Valentine’s Day might send a chill down your spine. The thing is, avoidants don't hate love, they just sometimes experience intimacy like it’s a high-stakes meeting that needs an agenda and an exit strategy. Deep down, avoidants desire love as much as our anxious folks, but have a harder time knowing how to attain it.

Disorganized Attachment: Disorganized attachment is an insecure attachment style characterized by inconsistent and often contradictory behaviors. Individuals with this style deeply desire close relationships but simultaneously fear intimacy and rejection. This internal conflict leads to unpredictable behavior, such as alternating between seeking closeness and pushing people away. They may crave affection but then become withdrawn, afraid, or even aggressive when it's offered. This pattern often stems from early childhood experiences with caregivers who were inconsistent, unavailable, or even abusive.

As February unfolds, remember that attachment styles are not concrete destinies, rather patterns that can be understood and adapted. No matter your attachment style, love is a constantly evolving entity that runs off of communication, care, and authenticity. Regardless of who you’re spending this Valentine’s Day with, remember that you are worthy of love and connection everyday, not just February 14th.