What If I’m In the Wrong Relationship?

By Katie Mundt, MHC-LP

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD as it is commonly referred to, is a mental health condition in which a person experiences distressing intrusive thoughts, urges, or images (i.e., obsessions), accompanied by psychological or physical behaviors aimed to neutralize or decrease distress (i.e., compulsions).

Recently, Relationship OCD (or ROCD) has emerged as a prominent OCD theme (like contamination, harm, or sexual orientation). People with ROCD are plagued by intrusive thoughts about their relationship (Is this the right relationship?), their partner (What if my partner isn't my forever person?), or themselves (What if I'm a bad partner?). They often engage in related physical and mental compulsions, such as seeking reassurance about the relationship, either from one's partner or from others (e.g., "Is it normal to have these doubts?") or checking one's own feelings about their partner (e.g., "Am I attracted to my partner?"). However, the mere presence of relationship doubts or questions doesn't necessarily mean you have ROCD.

A key feature of obsessions in OCD is that they are ego-dystonic, meaning they are opposite to what a person knows to be true about themselves, their values, and the world around them. Values are the guiding principles by which we live our lives. They provide us with direction in times when we may feel stuck or unsure about how to proceed.

Therefore, a large part of the reason obsessions cause so much distress is that they conflict with our values, identity, and real-life experiences. Therefore, someone with ROCD would experience distress after an intrusive thought or doubt because they KNOW they are in love with their partner, are attracted to their partner, and want to be in a relationship with their partner, even

though they are having intrusive thoughts that make them DOUBT this, the distress stems from the dissonance between their experiences and their thoughts; simply having doubts about a relationship, while distressing, may not be completely ego-dystonic, and therefore wouldn't indicate OCD. For example, suppose someone is considering bringing a significant other home for the holiday. In that case, questions about the rightness of the relationship might arise in alignment with their experiences, even if they are distressed by them. Sometimes we are fearful and hesitant to acknowledge that doubts and questions come from a place we align with, and that's okay! It doesn't mean we have ROCD.

If you notice thoughts about your relationship, whether ego-dystonic or not, that are creating distressing emotions more often than not, you can try this simple grounding technique, aptly called ACE, to help you de-fuse from the obsessional spiral and connect to your inner knowing.

A - Acknowledge what’s happening.

Ex: I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts about the rightness of the relationship.

C - Connect with your body by attuning to physiological sensations.

Ex: I notice tension in my neck and a pit in my stomach. I’m going to place a gentle hand there to practice soothing.

E - Engage with your surroundings.

Ex. I'm going to do some heel drops to help me feel more grounded in the present moment, and then listen to a song I love.

Ultimately, the goal in dealing with any obsessive doubt is to create space between the thought and your core values, allowing you to choose your actions from a place of clarity rather than anxiety, and fully reclaim your life from the control of OCD.