Is My Family the Problem? Understanding and Healing Attachment Wounds Across Generations

By Olivia Parsons

In family therapy, one of the biggest opportunities and challenges lies in addressing intergenerational family dynamics.  This includes patterns of behavior, beliefs, values, roles, and emotional responses, which can be passed down through generations unwittingly.  These dynamics are often invisible until closely examined, yet they shape how families communicate, connect, and manage difficult moments.  When left unchecked and unaddressed, these patterns can reinforce cycles of attachment wounding, emotional disconnect, and unresolved trauma.

Understanding Intergenerational Patterns:

Humans are drawn to what is familiar, often using repetition and patterns to make sense of the world around us.  Families similarly, often repeat what is familiar, yet, not necessarily what is effective or considered “healthy”.  Unspoken patterns, rules, and roles (such as caretaker, peacekeeper, youngest sibling), and trauma responses can be passed from one generation to the next.  A parent’s attachment style may mirror how they were parented, and repeated with their own children.

How Can Therapy Help:

Family therapy can bring these intergenerational patterns into the light, offering space to understand and find awareness, rather than blame.  Through a more systemic approach, therapists explore how each family member contributes to the current family system and dynamic, while observing the influence of generational history.  Family therapy can allow families to shift from a cycle of reactivity to intentionality and connection.

Tools When Treating Intergenerational Wounds:

1. Genograms:

A genogram is a visual tool used to map family relationships and significant events across generations.  Therapists often use genograms to identify patterns of estrangement, divorce, addiction, mental illness, and familial connection, helping clients connect present patterns to historical context.

2. Attachment-Based Conversations:

Therapists can help family members engage in attachment-based and emotionally-focused structured conversations, guided to help engage in corrective emotional experiences, repair ruptures, validate unmet needs, and build secure connections.

3. Reframing Family Narratives:

Helping families reframe their family narratives can shift their perception of “who we are” and “how we relate” to each other.  An example of this would look at reframing the narrative that “our family doesn’t talk about feelings” to a new and more compassionate narrative of “we are learning to express and listen to our emotional needs safely."

4. Reconnecting With Your Inner Child:

The allusive inner child work!  Therapists may introduce inner child work techniques to help individuals reconnect and understand how wounded parts of themselves may influence their roles in their family of origin and chosen family.  Allowing a compassionate stance towards these parts of oneself promotes healing and reduces wounded projects onto others, reinforcing the cycle.

5. Boundary and Role Clarification:

Families typically have well-established roles and boundaries within the family structure, which can create tension around role change or boundary setting.  Therapists can help identify boundaries, enmeshment, emotional cut off, and encourage appropriate role clarification and distribution.

The Road Towards Healing

Understanding and healing attachment wounds across generations takes time, patience, and commitment.  Although therapy offers a safe space for families to recognize how the past can inform the present, more importantly, therapy can co-create a better future.  Through compassionate exploration and intentional change from the family system, families can break cycles, strengthen bonds, and foster resilience across generations.